Top 10 Uses For 50 Shades of Grey

I have nothing against romantic or erotic literature, but this drivel was neither romantic nor erotic, and certainly does not qualify as literature. E.L. James makes Stephanie Meyer look like a literary genius. Ladies, do yourself a favor and get a book written for grown-ups by someone who actually knows what they are talking about; your Love Life will thank you.

Since I believe in being eco-friendly, here are some great ideas for what to do with your disappointing purchase; feel free to add your own in the comments section!

1. Poop Scoop. Just tear our a few pages, pick up the steamy dog log, and then chuck in the nearest rubbish bin.
2. Cat litter. Lest pussy feels neglected, run it though a document shredder and add to the litter box instead of clay litter.
3. Kindling. Crumble some pages and start a fire in your fireplace; guaranteed to be the hottest and most romantic thing about this book.
4. Book safe. Cut out the center of the book to hide valuables; it’s not like anyone is going to pull the book off the shelf to read it anyway. Very safe!
5. Flip book. Draw on the corners to make a flip book. Stick figures in flagrante will be far less juvenile than the writing in this book.
6. Toilet paper. Just give the pages a good crumple for maximum traction. Great for camping, road trips, or a night out partying when the ladies room always inexplicably runs out of TP.
7. Animal bedding. Whether you have gerbils indoors or a rabbit hutch outdoors, it makes the perfect bedding materials for these prolific little breeders.
8. Paper towel substitute. Instead of wasting paper towels, use pages to clean up your messiest spills. Keep a copy in your glove compartment and never go sockless again.
9. Paper Mache. If you like role playing, you can make a giant Paper Mache head of your favorite celebrity for your partner to wear.
10. Chewing gum disposal. Wrap your gum and dispose of it properly. People are always leaving their gum everywhere from city sidewalks to bus seats; and few things are worse than walking around with some strangers gum on you.